Where is home?

21 04 2011

I wrote this in front of my fireplace in Colorado; I’m posting it from my couch in Seattle. It’s a delicious tension.

The last time I was here I felt my heart turn over one frigid December morning. Blurry-eyed and groaning from sleep disturbed, I thought to myself

I am ready to go home

I bolted upright, enough adrenaline surging through my veins to do the work of five cups of coffee.

Home? What do I mean, HOME? I am home!

And just like that, my heart settled into its familiar niche and home was once again the place I was raised–regardless of where I happened to be residing. Yet…the power of that fleeting moment when my soul identified Seattle as home even as I was physically located in Colorado never left me.

This time around my burgeoning loyalty to Seattle has not been confined to a bleary moment of confusion; it is a constant companion coloring everything I do. There is freedom in knowing the place I live is also where I feel the most at home.

It’s here I find that words fail me. As revolutionary a change this is for me, it makes itself known in the most subtle of ways. How do I express the tiny grief I have in knowing the bluest sky in the world is no longer mine? How could anyone understand the desperation I used to feel as I plowed through a plate of enchiladas at El Taco Rey, to say nothing of what it means to be free of that weight? I even found myself enjoying Denver! And what can I say about my mountains? Would it be entirely too silly to believe they, too, sensed the change and were saying goodbye to me in their own brooding way?

Tonight I am leaving Colorado.

Tonight I am going home.

love and snugglies




One response

28 04 2011
A Flight of Whimsy « Subbing for Eden

[…] My therapist had an entirely new and remarkably kind take on the situation: ‘Not only does this display an incredible power of concentration on your part, it also suggests to me that you are feeling incredibly relaxed. You could never be so thoroughly absorbed in what you were reading if you weren’t first at ease with the world around you. Do you think this might have any ties to your new experience of coming home from home?‘ […]

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